All the Israelites did in fact leave the land of Egypt, but they did not all leave in so far as attachment to it was concerned. That is why, in the desert, many of them were sad that they did not have the onions and the meat of Egypt (Num. 11:4-5). In same way, there are penitents who in fact leave sin but do not leave their attachment to it. In other words, they intend not to sin again but they give up and deny themselves the unhappy pleasures of win with a certain reluctance. Though their heart turns away from sin and leaves it behind, yet it does not stop looking back again and again in that direction as Lot’s wife did towards Sodom (Gen. 19:26).
They give up sin the way the sick give up melons. The sick do not eat melons because of the doctor’s warning that eating them would mean death. But they are disturbed at having to do without them. They talk of them and try to bargain if they could possible have them. They want at least to smell them, and consider those can eat them to be very happy. Similarly, penitents who are weak and lack courage give up sin for some time but with sadness. They would like very much if they could sin and not be damned. They speak of sin with delight and appreciation, and regard as happy those who sin.
A man determined to take revenge will change his mind in confession, but soon afterwards he will join his friends and enjoy speaking about his quarrel. He will say that but for the fear of God, he would have done this or that; that the divine law with regard to forgiveness is hard; that, God willing, taking revenge should be allowed. Yes, it is quite clear that, though this man has given up sin, he is greatly burdened with attachment to sin. He is in fact out of Egypt, but in desire he is still there, longing for the garlic and onions which he enjoyed eating there. He is like the woman who has put a stop to her love affairs, but still takes delight in being courted and surrounded by admirers. Alas! Such persons are certainly in great danger.
Dear Philothea, as you desire to commit yourself to the devout life, you must not only turn away from sin but you must completely cut away from your heart every attachment connected with sin. Otherwise, there is first of all the danger of falling back to sin. Besides, these unhappy attachments will constantly weaken your spirit, and make it sluggish, so that you will not be able to do good works promptly, carefully and frequently, for it is in this that the true essence of devotion consists.
Those who have given up sin but still have these attachments and weaknesses are, in my opinion, like anaemic girls. These girls are not sick but all their actions are lifeless: they eat without enjoyment, sleep without rest, laugh without joy, and drag themselves rather than walk. In the same way, these persons do good with such a great spiritual weariness that their good exercises, which are few in number and have little effect, are entirely lacking in worth.