INTRODUCTION TO THE DEVOUT LIFE

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PART III, Chapter 17: Friendship: First That Which Is Evil And Frivolous

Love holds the first rank among the emotions of the soul. It is the king of all the movements of the heart. Love changes all the rest to itself and makes us such as what is loved. Be on your guard then, dear Philothea, that there is no evil whatever in your love because if there is, soon you will become completely evil. For friendship is the most dangerous love of all. While other loves can be had without communication, friendship being entirely based on communication we can scarcely have friendship with a person without participating in his qualities.

All love is not friendship because:

We can love without being loved. In this case there is love but not friendship, insofar as friendship is a mutual love. If it is not mutual, it is not friendship.
It is not enough that it is mutual but the persons who love each other ought to know their reciprocal affection because, if they do not know it, they will have love but not friendship.
Together with it, there must be some kind of communication between them which is the basis of friendship.

According to the variety of communication, friendship is also different. The communications are different depending on the difference of the good things we communicate to each other. If there are false and vain goods, friendship is false and vain. If they are genuine, friendship is genuine. The more excellent the good things communicated the more excellent will be the friendship. Just as honey is of the best quality, if taken from the most exquisite flowers, so too love based on a most exquisite communication is the most excellent. The honey from Heraclea in Pontius is poisonous and makes insane those who take it, because it is gathered from the aconite, which is plentiful in that region[1]. In like manner friendship based on the communications of false and vicious things is entirely false and evil.

The communication of carnal pleasures is a mutual inclination and animal attraction. It is not worthy of the name of friendship between human beings any more than that of asses and horses for similar effects. If there is no other communication in marriage there would no more be any friendship at all. Besides it, there is in marriage the communication of life, of work, of goods, of affection and of an indissoluble fidelity. So the friendship of marriage is a genuine, holy friendship.

Friendship founded upon the communication of sensual pleasures is utterly crude and unworthy of the name of friendship. It is the same for that which is based on frivolous and vain virtues because these virtues depend also on the senses. I term sensual pleasures those related directly and mainly to the exterior senses such as the pleasure of seeing beauty, listening to a sweet voice, touching and the like.

I call frivolous virtues some skills and vain qualities which weak minds name virtue and perfection. Listen to most girls, women and young men speak. They do not hesitate to say: such a nobleman is very virtuous, he has many accomplishments because he dances well, he plays all kinds of games well, he dresses well, he sings well, he cajoles well, he has a fine appearance. The charlatans consider the greatest clowns among them as the most virtuous.

All these concern the senses, and the friendships which arise from them are called sensual, vain, frivolous and deserve the name of folly rather than friendship. Generally such are the friendships of young persons based on moustaches, on hair, on glances, on garments, on haughtiness and on idle talk. These are friendships proper to the age of lovers who do not have as yet any virtue except in blossom, and any judgement except in the bud. Such friendships are only transient and melt like snow in the sun.

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[1] Pliny

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