INTRODUCTION TO THE DEVOUT LIFE

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PART III, Chapter 20: The Difference Between True And Vain Friendships

This then, is the great warning, dear Philothea. The honey of Heraclea which is so poisonous resembles the genuine which is so wholesome. There is a great danger of taking the one for the other, or of taking them mixed together, since the excellent qualities of the one would not prevent the harmfulness of the other. We must be on our guard against being deceived by these friendships. This is especially so, when they are formed between persons of different sex, under whatever pretext it may be, because very often Satan misleads those who love. They begin by virtuous friendship but, if they are not very prudent, frivolous friendship will mingle with it, then sensual love and next carnal love.

There is danger even in spiritual love, if we are not very much on our guard. However, in spiritual friendship, it is more difficult to be deceived, because its purity and whiteness render the stains which Satan desires to mingle with it more easily discernible. Hence when he undertakes to do it, he does it in a very subtle way and tries to insert impurities almost unnoticeably.

You may distinguish worldly friendship from the holy and the virtuous as you recognize the honey of Heraclea from any other. The honey of Heraclea is sweeter to the tongue than the ordinary honey because of the aconite which gives it an excess of sweetness. Worldly friendship generally produces a great flow of honeyed words, passionate, charming, flattering little expressions and praises drawn from beauty, gracefulness and sensual qualities.

But sacred friendship has a simple, frank language. It praises only virtue and the grace of God, the sole foundation on which it rests.

The honey of Heraclea once swallowed causes dizziness in the head. So also false friendship provokes dizziness of spirit which makes persons waver in chastity and devotion. It leads them to affected, delicate, improper looks, sensual caresses, disorderly sighs and little complaints about not being loved. False friendship further prompts trifling but studied, suggestive postures, gallantry, pursuit of kisses and other indecent intimacies and favours, a certain indisputable sign of the approaching ruin of chastity.

Holy friendship has only simple and modest eyes, no caresses except pure and sincere, no sighs except for Heaven, no intimacies except that of the spirit, no complaints except that God is not loved – infallible signs of purity.

The honey of Heraclea affects the sight, and worldly friendship disturbs judgement in such a way that those who are infected with it think that they are doing well when they are doing evil. They believe that their excuses, pretexts and words are quite reasonable. They fear the light, and love the darkness.

But holy friendship has clear-sighted eyes, does not hide itself, and willingly appears before good people.

Finally the honey of Heraclea leaves a strong bitter taste in the mouth. Similarly false friendships change and ends in carnal and disgusting words and requests. In case of refusal, it reacts to it in insults, calumnies, deceptions, sadness, confusions and jealousies which very often end in brutish degradation and frenzy.

But chaste friendship is always equally honest, polite and amiable. It only turns into a more perfect and pure union of spirits, a living image of the blessed friendship enjoyed in Heaven.

St. Gregory Nazianzen says that the peacock making its cry, while it spreads its tail and struts about, excites very much the peahens to sexual craving. Similarly, a man strutting, decking himself out and coming to cajole, dally and whisper into the ears of a woman or a girl without any intention of a honest marriage, surely, it is only to arouse her to immodesty. An honourable woman will stop her ears, in order not to hear the cry of this peacock and the voice of the charmer who desires to charm her artfully (Ps. 57:6). If she listens, what a bad omen of the future loss of her heart!

The young who indulge in postures, airs and caresses, or say words, which they would not like to be seen or overheard by their fathers, mothers, husbands, wives or confessors testify by this that they treat of some other things than that of honour and conscience. Our Lady was disturbed at seeing an Angel in human form because she was alone and he gave her very high though heavenly praises. O, Saviour of the world, purity is afraid of an Angel in human form and why not then impurity fear a man even if he were in an Angel’s form when he praises her with sensual and human praises?

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