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PART III, Chapter 22: Some Further Counsels On Friendship

Friendship requires a great communication between friends. Otherwise, it can neither begin nor exist. Hence, it often happens that with the sharing in friendship, many other communications unnoticeably pass and slip in from heart to heart, through a mutual inflow and reciprocal outflow of affections, inclinations and impressions. This happens especially when we have a great esteem for the person we love. For, we then open the heart so much to his friendship that with it, all and the whole of his inclinations and impressions, whether they are good or bad easily enter.

Indeed, the bees which gather the honey of Heraclea seek only honey; but with honey, they unknowingly suck the poisonous qualities of the aconite from which they gather it. Hence, Philothea, in this regard, we must put into practice the words which our Saviour used to say, as the Ancients have taught us: Be good exchangers and bankers[1], that is, do not take false money with the good, not low quality gold along with the fine; separate the precious from the worthless (Jer. 15:19).

Yes, for there is scarcely anyone without some imperfection. Why should we receive indiscriminately the stains and imperfections of the friend along with his friendship? Certainly we must love him in spite of his imperfection. But we must neither love nor receive his imperfection, because friendship demands the communication of what is good and not evil. Those who shift the gravel of the river Tagus separate the gold which they find in it, to carry it way with them, and leave the sand on the river bank. In the same way, those who commune in a good friendship, ought to separate the sand of imperfections and should not allow it to enter their spirit.

Indeed, St. Gregory Nazianzen bears witness that many who loved and admires St. basil were drawn to imitate him, even his exterior imperfections, his way of talking slowly in an absent-minded and thoughtful manner, the style of his beard and his way of walking. Husbands, wives, children, friends have a great esteem for their friends, their fathers, their husbands and their wives. We see that due to this, they acquire, either through compliance or by imitation, a thousand little evil dispositions and inclinations by communication in friendship which they have for one another. This should not be so, since everyone has enough of one’s own evil inclinations without overloading oneself with those of others. Not only does friendship require it, but on the contrary it obliges us to help one another in ridding ourselves of all kinds of imperfections. Without doubt we must gently bear our friend’s imperfections not to sustain him in them, much less to transfer them to ourselves.

I am speaking only of imperfections. As to sins, we should neither tolerate nor encourage them in a friend. It is either a feeble or a wicked friendship that sees a friend perish and does not succour him sees him die of an abscess and does not dare to save him by making use of the lancet of correction.

True and living friendships cannot endure in the midst of sins. It is said that the salamander[2] extinguishes fire in which it lives, and sin ruins the friendships in which it lodges itself. If it is just a passing sin friendships puts it to flight at once by correction. But if sin stays and settles down, immediately friendship perishes because it can be kept up only by true virtue. Then, how much less should we sin for the sake of friendship!

A friend is an enemy if he wishes to lead us into sin. He deserves to lose friendship when he desires to ruin and destroy the friend. Thus it is one of the most certain marks of a false friendship when we see it cultivated with a vicious person whatever may be the nature of the sin. If the person we love is vicious, undoubtedly our friendship is vicious. Since it is not based on true virtue, it is sure that it depends on some apparent virtue and sensual quality.

A society established for temporal profit by merchants has only the semblance of true friendship, as it is made not for the love of persons but for the love of gain.

Finally, there are two sacred texts, like two mighty columns, to support Christian life strongly. One is that of the Wise Man: Whoever fears God shall also have a good friendship (Sirach 6:17). The other is that of St. James: The friendship of this world is the enemy of God (Jas. 4:4).

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[1] These words are not found in Sacred Scripture. Several Fathers of the Church like Clement of Alexandria, Origen, St. Ambrose and St. Jerome cite them.

[2] Pliny. A lizard like animal thought to be able to live in fire.

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