THE FIRST FEELINGS OF LOVE WHICH DIVINE INSPIRATIONS CAUSE IN THE SOUL BEFORE IT HAS FAITH
The same wind which lifts the apodes first of all takes hold of their feathers. These are very light and most sensitive to the movement of the wind. Thus an initial movement is given to their wings. The wind spreads them and unfolds them in such a way as to serve as a grip to seize the bird and launch it into the air. The apode thus lifted up follows the movement of the wind with its wings. The same wind that raised it up will help it to fly more and more easily. Similarly, dear Theotimus, inspiration like a sacred wind comes to lift us up into the air of holy love. Then it takes hold of our will. It moves the will by the feeling of some heavenly delight, extends and unfolds the natural inclination of the will for good so that this inclination itself provides a grip to seize our spirit. All these things are done in us, as I said, “in us but without us." For it is Divine favour which prepares us in this way. Our spirit thus prepared feels the wings of its [natural] inclination, touched, unfolded, spread, pushed and moved by the heavenly wind. If it gives its consent, however little it may be, what happiness, Theotimus! Then, the same inspiration and favour that raised us, mingling its action with our consent, animates our feeble movements with its strength. It enlivens our weak cooperation by the power of its action. Thus it will help us, lead us on and accompany us from love to love to the act of the most holy faith necessary for our conversion.
True God! Theotimus, what consolation to reflect upon the sacred method of the Holy Spirit! By it, he pours out the first rays and feelings of his light and vital warmth into our hearts. O Jesus, what a delight and joy to see heavenly love, the sun of virtues! Little by little by some progress made, felt but imperceptibly, love sheds its brightness on a soul. It does not stop until the soul is covered by the splendour of its presence, giving it finally the perfect beauty of the day. How happy is this dawn, beautiful, lovable and pleasing! Yet it is true that dawn is not the day. If it is a day, it is a day that is beginning, a day that is being born. Rather it is the infancy of the day than day itself. Similarly, beyond doubt, these movements of love precede the act of faith necessary for our justification. Strictly speaking, they are not love, or a love that is beginning and imperfect. These are the first green buds which the soul, warmed by the heavenly sun, like a mystic tree, begins to put forth in spring. These are rather signs of fruits to come than fruits.
St. Pachomius was still a very young soldier. He had no knowledge of God. He was enrolled under the banners of the army Constantine had raised against the tyrant Maxentius. He came with the troop to lodge in a small town not far from Thebes. There, not only himself, but the whole army was in extreme need of provisions. The inhabitants of the small town heard about it. They were, by a pleasant coincidence, the faithful followers of Jesus Christ. So they were friendly and helpful to neighbours. They immediately provided for the need of the soldiers. They did it with such concern, courtesy and love that Pachomius was full of admiration for them. He asked what nation it was that was so kind, loving and gracious. He was told that they were Christians. He enquired further what law and way of life they followed. He learned that they believed in Jesus Christ, the only Son of God. They did good to all kinds of persons with the firm hope of receiving from God a copious reward.
Alas, Theotimus, Pachomius, poor fellow, though naturally a good man, was sleeping on the bed of his unbelief. But there you are! All of a sudden, God is found at the door of his heart. By the good example of these Christians, as by a sweet voice, God calls him, awakes him. He gives him the first feeling of the warmth of his love. For, scarcely had Pachomius heard them speak, as I just mentioned, about the loving law of the Saviour than he was filled with a new enlightenment and interior consolation. He withdrew himself [into solitude] and took some time to reflect about himself. He raised his hands to heaven and with a deep sigh turned to prayer: “Lord God, who made haven and earth, cast your glance at my lowliness and misery. Give me knowledge of your Divinity. Then [if you do so] I promise to serve you and obey your commandments throughout my life." After this prayer and promise, love of true good and piety increased in him to such an extent that he never ceased to practise thousands of virtous deeds.
It seems to me that I see in this story a nightingale, awaking very early at dawn. It begins to stir itself, stretch itself and to spread its feathers. Then it flutters from branch to branch in the bush and little by little warbles its sweet song. Have you not noticed how the good example of these charitable Christians aroused and awakened Blessed Pacho- mius with a sudden start? Indeed, this astonishment and wonder that he felt was nothing else than his awakening. By it, God touched him as the sun touches the earth. With a ray of his brilliance, God filled him with a deep feeling of spiritual delight. Hence, Pachomius turned away from his distractions in order to recollect with greater concentration and ease and to relish the graces he received by withdrawing himself to meditate upon them. Then he stretched his heart and hands to heaven where inspiration was attracting him. He began to unfold the wings of his emotions fluttering between mistrust of himself and confidence in God. He intoned in a humble, loving melody the song of his conversion. By it, for the first time, he bore witness to his awareness of the only one God, Creator of heaven and earth. He knew also that still he did not know him enough to serve him well. So he pleaded for a deeper knowledge to be granted to him so that he could attain perfect service of his divine Majesty.
Meanwhile please see, Theotimus, how God goes on intensifying little by little the grace of his inspiration within the hearts of those who consent. He draws them after him step by step on the ladder of Jacob. But what are his attractions? The first by which he comes to prepare and awaken us is accomplished by him “in us" and “without us." All the rest are also done by him and “in us", but “not without our cooperation." Draw me, said the sacred Spouse (Song 1:4). It means, begin first, for I do not know to awaken myself. I cannot move unless you touch me. But when you have touched me, then, O dear Spouse of my soul, we will run, we two. You run ahead of me, always drawing me forward. I will follow you on the road consenting to your attractions. Let no one think that you are dragging me after you like a forced slave or like a lifeless chariot. Ah! No! You draw me by the odour of your perfumes. If I go following you, it is not that you force me. It is because you attract me. Your attractions are powerful but not violent, since all their power consists in their sweetness. The perfumes have no other power to attract persons to follow except their fragrance. How can sweetness attract except gently and pleasantly?