THE PERPLEXITY OF A HEART THAT LOVES WITHOUT KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT IT PLEASES THE BELOVED
The musician about whom I have mentioned became deaf.[1] He had no pleasure in singing except when his prince was listening attentively to it and enjoying it. Blessed is the heart that loves God with no other pleasure than that of pleasing God! What purer and more perfect happiness can you know than the happiness we take in the bliss of the divinity? Nevertheless, strictly speaking, this delight of pleasing God is not divine love, but only the fruit, which can be separated from it, like a lemon from the lemon-tree. As we have said, our musician always sang without taking any pleasure in his singing because his deafness prevented it. Moreover, he sang without the delight of pleasing his prince, who withdraw himself or went hunting after asking him to sing, without taking the leisure to hear him or the pleasure of listening to him.
Oh God, as long as I see your gentle face that reveals that you are pleased with the song of my love, how consoled am! Is there any pleasure that is equal to the pleasure of genuinely pleasing God? When you turn your eyes away from me and I am no longer aware of the kind favour of your contentment at my song, then, O true God, in what great distress is my soul! Still it does not cease loving you faithfully and to sing continually the hymn of your love. It is not for my pleasure which it finds there, because it has no pleasure at all, but it sings for the pure love of your holy will.
We have seen a sick child eating courageously with an incredible disgust what his mother gives him, only out of desire to please her. He eats without taking any delight in the food. But not without another pleasure higher and worthier, i.e. the pleasure of pleasing his mother and seeing her content. But another child who, without seeing his mother and only with the knowledge he has of his mother’s wishes, took all that was brought to him from her side and ate without any pleasure, because he has neither the pleasure of eating nor the delight of seeing his mother’s pleasure, ate purely and simply to do her will. The only satisfaction of having the pleasure of a prince or that of someone we much loved renders vigils, pains, and toils and the hardships desirable. But there is nothing more sad than to serve a master who is unaware of the difficulties of our service. If he knows about it and still does not give any sign that he is satisfied, in such cases love should be strong because it stands by itself alone, unsupported by any enjoyment or any expectation.
Thus it sometimes happens that we have no comfort in the practice of sacred love. It is because, like the deaf singer, we are unable to hear our own voices, unable to enjoy the sweet melody of our song. On the contrary, moreover, we are oppressed by a thousand fears, troubled by a thousand false alarms that the devil causes around our heart. He suggests that perhaps we do not win our master’s approval and that our love is fruitless. Yes, even that is false and vain since it produces no comfort. Then, Theotimus, we toil not only without pleasure but with an extreme distress. We do not see the good of our work, nor the satisfaction of God for whom we do our work.
What makes matters worse in this situation is that not even the mind and the highest point of reason can offer us any kind of relief, since this poor superior part of reason is entirely surrounded by suggestions from the enemy. It is utterly frightened. It is fully occupied to keep itself from being surprised by consenting to evil. So it cannot come to the relief of the lower part of the mind. Even though it has not lost courage, it is under terrible attack that it is without guilt but not without pain. To complete its distress, it is deprived of the general consolation we have almost always among all other evils of this world. It is the hope that they will not last long and that it soon will come to an end. Therefore, the heart in such spiritual distress falls into a kind of impotence in thinking of their end and as a result being relieved by hope. It is true, the faith which resides in the apex of the human spirit, assures us that this trouble will have an end and that one day we will find peace. But by the great uproar and shouting that the devil makes in the rest of the soul, namely in the lower part of reason, he makes it impossible for faith’s counsels and reproofs to be heard. There remains in the imagination only this sorrowful foreboding: “Alas, I shall never find joy."[2]
O God, it is now, my dear Theotimus, we should witness an invincible faithfulness to our Saviour. We should serve him purely for love of his will, not only without pleasure but overwhelmed by the flood of sorrow, horror, dread, fright and attack as did his glorious Mother and St. John on the day of his Passion. Amidst all the blasphemies, all the anguish, all the distress of death, they remained steadfast in love. Yes, even when the Saviour, having withdrawn all his holy joy into the very apex of his spirit, showed no joy or comfort at all on his divine face. However, when he began closing his eyes, covered by the shadows of death, could cast only glances of sorrow. So also as the sun cast down rays of horror and terrible darkness.
_________________________
[1] TLG, Bk IX, Ch. 9.
[2] Cf. IDL, Part IV: Ch. 15.