AMIDST THESE INTERIOR TRIALS THE SOUL DOES NOT KNOW ITS LOVE FOR GOD AND THE WILL’S MOST LOVABLE DEATH
The night before the great St. Peter was to be martyred an angel came into the prison and filled it with splendour (Acts 12: 6-17). The angel woke up St. Peter, made him get up, made him gird himself and put on his sandals and clothing. Then the angel struck off chains and shackles, took him out of the prison and led him through the first and second guards until he came to the iron gate which led to the city. This opened itself before them. And having passed through one street the angel left the glorious St. Peter there in full freedom. See that in all these there is a great variety of physical actions. Yet St. Peter who was awakened from the beginning, was not aware what was done by the angel was true. But he thought that it was a vision of his imagination. He was awakened but did not think that he was awake. He put on his sandals and clothes without knowing that he had done it. He walked, but he did not know that he was walking. He was set free but he did not believe it. The marvellous character of his deliverance was so great so as to fill his mind in such way that still he had enough sense and knowledge to do what he did. He, however, did not have enough consciousness to recognize that he was really doing it in good earnest. He really saw the angel, but he did not discern that it was with a true and natural sight. Therefore he took no consolation in his deliverance till he came to himself. Now, he said, I know for sure that the Lord has sent his angel, and has delivered me out of the hand of Herod, and from all that the Jewish people were expecting.
It is the same way, Theotimus, with the soul that is overburdened with interior trials. Although it has the power to believe, to hope and to love God- in fact it does so, yet it does not have the strength to see clearly whether it believes, hopes and loves God. It is because its distress engulfs and overwhelms it that it cannot turn back upon itself to see what it does. Hence it thinks that it has no faith, no hope, no love but only shadows and useless impressions of these virtues. It feels as if not knowing them and as if they were strangers and not members of the household. If you examine the matter; you will find our souls always in a similar state when they are powerfully possessed by some violent passion. They do many actions as if in a dream. They are hardly aware of the passion that it seems to them that in reality these things are taking place. Hence the Psalmist described the great consolation the Israelites experienced on their return from the Babylonian captivity in these words:
When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream (Ps 126:1).
Or as the vulgate (Latin version which follows the Sep- tuagint) has it: we became like men comforted. In other words, the admiration of the greatness of the benefit was so extravagant that it prevented us from experiencing the consolation that we received. It seemed to us that we were not really comforted and that we did not have the consolation in reality but only in appearance and in a dream.
Such are the feelings of the soul which is amidst spiritual anguish which make love extremely pure and spotless. It is being deprived of the pleasure which would attach ourselves to God. Such love joins and unites us immediately to God, will to will, heart to heart, without any mediation of satisfaction or expectation. Alas, Theotimus,, how afflicted is our poor heart! As if abandoned by love, it seeks everywhere and does not find it at all, so it seems to it. It is not to be found in the external senses, for they are incapable of it, nor in the imagination which is cruelly harassed by conflicting impression. Nor in reason which is troubled by a thousand vague reasonings and strange fears. Although eventually it finds love in the very apex and the highest part of the spirit where this divine love resides, yet the soul does not recognize it and thinks that it is not love because its great distress and darkness hinder it from feeling its sweetness. It sees it without seeing it, encounter it without recognizing it, as if it were in a dream and in imagination (Acts 12:6-11). In this way, Mary Magdalene encountered her dear Master. She encountered her Master without receiving any comfort because she thought that it was not he but only the Gardener (Jn 20:15).
But what then can the soul do which is in this state? Theotimus, it does not know how to conduct itself amidst such distress. It has no further strength except to let its will die in the hands of God’s will in imitation of gentle Jesus. When Jesus’ sufferings had reached the climax on the cross which his Father had ordained for him, unable to resist further the intensity of his torments, he did as did the stag. When the stag lost all breath and was beset by the hounds, gasping out its last sighs and with eyes filled with tears, it throws itself before the huntsman. So when our divine Saviour was at the point of death and sending forth his last breath, with a loud cry and many tears he says, “Alas, O my Father, into your hands I commend my spirit (Lk 23:46). This was the last of all his words by which the well beloved Son gave the supreme testimony of his love towards his Father. Therefore when all things fail us, when our distresses have come to their intensity, this word, this sentiment, this surrender of our spirit into the hands of our Saviour cannot fail us.
The Son commended his spirit to his Father in that final unparalleled anguish. And when the turmoil of our spiritual anguish deprives us of every relief and means of resistance, let us commend our spirit into the hands of the eternal Son, who is our true Father, and bowing the head (Jn 19:30) in obedience to his permissive will, let us give our entire will to him.